Heretic and Blasphemer

To my friends: (You know who you are, even when I don’t)

There are times, especially late at night when I get reflective, and there are times when I think too much. I’m going through one of those reflective times I suppose. It has to do with friends and friendships. I know that friendships, just like plants need to be tended and cultivated so they grow, they take time and work to maintain and retain. Intellectually I know this, but when I sit and thank about it, I can be a pretty terrible friend. I might not be intentionally mean or intentionally inattentive, but it happens and it happens frequently. I’ve spent a good amount of time thinking about myself lately, accessing who I am, where I’m going in life, and who my friends are. For the most part I know the answers to these things, but for the sake of continuity, I’m only going to discuss one part of those listed.

I can’t really answer who my friends are, I know who some who consider themselves my friend, and that friendship is mutually thought of and felt. However and rather sadly, I don’t know who all my friends are, or who considers me their friend. Sometimes people surface back into my life or close enough anyways, who were my friends, close or otherwise and I find out they think I’m mad at them or something. Which to be honest is rather astonishing to me, if I’m mad at someone, I generally make it known, but I realize that there are times when perhaps I’ve given that impression without really trying or meaning too.

I know I can be abrasive sometimes, I know I can be cold, distant, inattentive, or just plain isolated. When I have a lot going on, be it work, personal stuff, or other issues, I do isolate myself, I close off to people and I deal with things alone. It’s not because I don’t want to turn to my friends for help, support, or even comfort; it’s because that’s just the way I’ve always been. I don’t want to burden others with my shit, I don’t want to trouble people, and I generally opt to fall on my own sword before I ask anyone else to help me shoulder a burden. I try to be there for my friends when they need me, I’ve dropped things and come to their aid when they ask it. But I almost never seek the same help when I need it.

I know I can be anti social, I know I can be emotionally closed off, and I know I can come off as either unappreciative, or remote. It’s not that I don’t care, it’s that I care to much, someone, whom I’m not going to name as its not relevant once said of me that I love to deeply. This applies to my friendships just as much as it applies to any relationship I’ve ever had. I will shut myself down to keep people from being troubled by my issues. I push people away, I through on that cold, dark mask of seeming empty emotion, say I’m “fine”, let a smile surface for reassurance and bury any pain, hurt, or sense of being lost inside from the public audience or even a private audience.

Doing this likely pushed those who care about me further and further away. Marginalizing our friendships and leaving people feeling like I don’t care about them. I have a protective personality, and that extends to me protecting others from feeling the need to help me, I guess…

Anyways, I think I’ve more or less explained my thoughts and feelings on this, so let me come to the point. I never meant to push any of you out of my life, or give you the impression I didn’t want to talk to you, see you, or care about you. I never meant to make any of you feel you wasted your time trying to be my friend. I never meant to make you think I wasn’t interested in how any of you were doing. It’s not that I don’t care about any of you; it’s that I care too much.

I’m sorry for pushing you guys away, I’m sorry for shutting down on you guys over the years. I’m sorry for being so isolated and remote sometimes. I’m sorry for making you guys feel or think I was mad or upset at you. I’m sorry for hurting you guys at any time. I’m sorry I’m such a shitty friend.

I do want to thank you guys for the time you put in trying. I really appreciate the fact that you guys care, or did care, or would care. I do want to thank you for still calling yourself my friends, even when I seem to be miles away.

If you want to tell me off, e-mail me, message me on Facebook, or call me. I probably deserve it for one thing or another over the years, even if it’s something simple, like me being an inattentive, isolated, dick.

Sincerely,

D.

For you all -

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You know there’s something about Sundays that just brings out the laziness. Maybe it’s that “end of the weekend, time to do nothing at all” vibe or that “Oh god another week is coming, I just want to hide in bed and hope it doesn’t happen” vibe. Either way, I find I’m always overcome with the lazies on Sundays.

Certainly there’s stuff I could be doing today, i have some writing I want to do, both for AS, but also just some general writing and story-arc welding. I could be working on a couple of the game projects I have going, I could be doing actual work on the big project, though right now that’s on hold while the new stuff is in the hands of the devs.

I could clean up the office some I suppose, or even better I could be playing games, that would always be fun, but I don’t even have the motivation to game right now. Pretty sad really, though i suspect maybe I just need more coffee and I’ll find the energy to actually get off my ass and do something.

It’s possible I suppose….

Anyone else feeling that, i’m too goddamn lazy to do anything mood?

I doubt I’m alone and maybe it’s just the Sunday vibe, or the Sunday blues or whatever the hell we want to call it?

I could catch up on my anime consumption, that might be interesting or at least mildly entertaining. I could be doing just about anything, if I can find the drive.

There’s something to be said for having all kinds of energy, but it always seems when you have all kinds of time the urge to procrastinate gets stronger and stronger. Damn but aren’t we humans an interesting bunch. When we have time we waste it, when we don’t have time, we sit on our thumbs and doing sweet nothing. Annoying really…

Sound off below! XD

Tags: Laziness, Motivation, Sundays, Sweet nothings
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As you can probably guess, this is my more personal rant-space/blog. There are times when I just want to rant and rave about things going on the world, but I don’t want to clutter up integral with it all.

Now I don’t plan to tweet out particular posts unless it’s something with a little more gravity to it then me just chewing on some issue or going on about something silly.

But I do need a space to write out the random thoughts that come to mind. I expect I will be dropping storyline juice in here rather than on Integral as those are generally more personal in nature, or more to the point, not really related to anything , save if  I ever really go through a “fan-fic” stage.

So yes, I think that covers my opening statement, not much else to see here, so let it begin … or wotever… heh

~Anj

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